By Dan Griffin, MA, Senior Fellow at The Meadows Power is a very interesting phenomenon. I remember having numerous conversations about the complex intersection of power and relationships in graduate school. There was a lot of confusion as to what exactly power even is. One of the most common misunderstandings about power is that it is a linear phenomenon. In fact, power comes at us from numerous sources all of the time. The second most common misunderstanding is that power is a zero-sum game— either you have it or I have it. And whatever you have, I can’t have, and vice-versa. This fundamentally flawed way of thinking about power greatly impacts our experiences in relationships. There are two main ways we experience power in our relationships: power with and power over (you have power over someone else or some else has power over you). The Man Rules say that real men have power and are never weak or powerless. Therefore, from a very early age, young boys are encouraged to find power over – power over others, power over their feelings, and power over themselves. The Woman Rules say that women should be cooperative, passive, nurturing, selfless, and not too strong. Therefore, from a very early age, young girls are encouraged to find power with. Women are expected to share power with others even if it puts them at a disadvantage; even when it means they have to give up their own power. And that is the rub in so many heterosexual relationships. Making Peace with Power You cannot have a relationship that doesn’t involve a complex interaction with power. What some people don’t often consider is that power can be healthy. In fact, it is an essential part of the day-to-day human experience. To help us explore the complexity of power in relationships, we can look to the classic Karpman drama triangle which illustrates the shifting, and sometimes destructive, roles of persecutor, rescuer, and victim that people play in relational conflicts. In this “drama triangle” each person involved in a conflict experiences and acts out all of these roles at different times. The role we take on can determine how we perceive our partners, interpret their behavior, and interact with them. The reason these triangles arise, and often endure, is that each person, regardless of their role, finds that they get their unspoken, and often unconscious, psychological needs met by playing these roles—roles which they most likely originally “perfected” through the power dynamic that played out within their family as a child. Whether they play the victim or persecutor, or some combination of all three roles, in the end, each person feels justified in acting upon their needs. Feeling satisfied, they often conveniently fail to acknowledge the dysfunctional ways they tend to go about getting their needs met, or the harm that is being done as a result to themselves, their partners, or any third parties (like children) who may be directly or indirectly involved in their conflict. When there are times of disconnection in the relationship and even if, for whatever reason, there is a loss of respect between partners, intimacy can only be restored in the space of mutuality. We have to move away from the desire to have power over our partners toward the experience of having power with them. When we are able to uncover how our emotional needs arise from our childhood trauma, and release some of that pain, we have the ability to break free from the drama triangle and build an intimate and nurturing environment of mutual respect. Is it easier to let our relationships fall into a series of power plays or to maintain a space of mutual respect? I would suggest the former. We have to build up our emotional and spiritual muscle in order to truly listen to our partners and maintain respect, especially when they are being their very human and imperfect selves and not doing what we want them to do or being who we want them to be. Finding The Power to Choose What is the greatest crucible for us working out all of our childhood “stuff”? Our most intimate relationships, of course. It is like a divine joke where God says, “Okay, so you find this person you really care about and want to love? Great! Now here is all of this pain and suffering from your past that you get to sort through with them. You will often take it out on them, blame them for it, and project it onto them, which will cause all kind of intense, painful conflicts!” Wow, thanks a lot. All of those childhood experiences are deeply related to how we bring power into our relationships. And, when you add in sex addiction and/or love addiction with trauma and drama triangles? I believe the clinical response is: Ay-yi-yi. At the core of most sex and love addiction is a profound difficulty achieving healthy intimacy because of attachment-related trauma. Said simply, individuals who engage in addictive or compulsive behaviors related to sex and relationships have a very hard time forming attachments to others in healthy ways. No wonder then, that we are likely to see even more intensely destructive behaviors when addiction takes the stage among the three bedevilments in the Karpman triangle. The most essential tool for any kind of personal change is awareness. With awareness, you can begin to learn how to make a choice about what you will do and how you will react at any given moment. What we know from years of working with people at The Meadows is that choice is not always easy to access. The powerful strings of the past can pull us back to our childish and often desperate attempts to find emotional safety. And, what can offer us a feeling of safety (or at least the illusion of safety?) Power. And all of us are guilty, numerous times throughout the life of a relationship, of misusing power. Your limbic brain—the unconscious part of your brain that’s screaming at you to find safety—doesn’t care if you use this power in a healthy and affirming way or not – it just wants the feeling of safety. That need can be satisfied, temporarily, by displaying overt and aggressive power (as men often do) or by displaying manipulative and passive power (as women often do). However—and this is the beauty of the Karpman Triangle—both of these examples are unhealthy and even abusive uses of power. If you ask most people if they want their relationship to be based upon power plays or mutual respect, they will almost always choose the latter. Within every relationship is the constant ebb and flow of power and control between all parties. To build a truly healthy and deeply connected relationship, each person must choose, more often than not, “power with” instead of “power over,” and a healthy sense of control over a toxic need to control. The challenge is being honest enough with ourselves and our partners when we inevitably slip into those power plays and move back into a space of mutual respect. That is how we come to truly understand the power of intimacy. Content Source Mutual Respect and The Power of Intimacy
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By Joyce Willis, Therapist, The Meadows Value, power, and abundance are connected to the five core issues in the Meadows Model of Developmental Immaturity as taught by Pia Mellody. The Five Core Issues are…
Value Value is related to issues of self esteem. When you have healthy self-esteem you are in a place of “I’m okay, you’re okay.” You are not coming from a place of “I’m okay, and you’re not,” or “You’re okay, and I’m not.” You want to be in a place where you fully recognize that we all have self-worth simply because we are human on this planet. When I practice healthy esteem, I realize that my strengths don’t make me better than another person and my weaknesses don’t make me less than another person. We all have strengths and weaknesses in different areas. I might be very, very good at playing the piano but not so good at athletics. Understanding value means being able to realize my inherent worth as a person. Power Power is related to the core issues of boundaries, reality, moderation, and containment. With boundaries, I am able to protect myself from things that are coming in that I don’t want to believe about myself and I can contain myself in a way that doesn’t offend other people. If I’m able to do that, then I’m more able to be real about who I am as a human. I’m not trying to be the best of the bad, or the best of the best at being good and perfect. I’m accepting and appreciating that I’m perfectly imperfect and I’m human. I’m setting and maintaining functional adult boundaries, and I’m real about who I am, I’m then going to somewhat naturally find myself living in more moderation and more containment. I’m not going to be out of control with my behaviors and I’m not going to be too controlling of others. So, any unhealthy issues I may have with either too much power or too little people will begin to be resolved. Abundance Abundance is related to the core issues of dependency. Dependency is about being able to take care of my needs and wants in a way that is functional. In a way that I’m not giving away too much of myself in the way that I’m taking care of my needs and wants. So, needs and wants is about taking care of my physical body, so that I can also take care of my mind, my body and my soul. So, I’m not only taking care of my physical body, I’m also taking of my emotional body, and my spiritual well-being. When we’re talking about wants we’re talking about having simple wants. Keeping our wants simple. Oftentimes, as Pia says when we make our wants very, very extravagant we’re not able to be relational with other people. So, it’s about keeping our wants simple. It’s about coming from that place of having inherent value and self-worth, coming from that place of having power, but not too much power so that we’re going over other people and not too little power so that we’re going under other people, and about having abundance in a way that shows moderation and containment. Content Source A Guided Meditation on Value, Power and Abundance Those who work as helpers and healers (e.g. therapists, social workers, doctors, nurses, police officers, first responders, teachers, and caregivers) often describe feeling a spiritual calling to do the demanding and meaningful work that they do. Unfortunately, this initial sense of purpose can get lost to the day-to-day physical, mental, emotional and spiritual stress involved in these careers. On April 28, join renowned psychiatrist Dr. Terry Eagan for a workshop that helps you explore the issues that are preventing you from fully experiencing joy in serving others. You'll' find new and effective ways to support yourself and your colleagues as you find your way back to your passion. Regenerous Workshop Friday, April 28, 2017 Annenberg Community Beach House Garden Terrace Room 415 Pacific Coast Highway Santa Monica, CA 90402 Content Source Feeling Compassion Fatigue? Reaffirm Your Purpose Alexandra Katehakis, a Senior Fellow at The Meadows, recently talked with Tami Simon of Sounds True’s Insights at the Edge podcast on a wide range of topics, including…
Alexandra will also be presenting on sexual dysregulation during Sounds True's Neuroscience Training Summit 2017 on March 23. Here are a few highlights from the podcast episode: What’s the difference between having a sex addiction and just being someone who just likes to have a lot of sex? Alexandra: “One of the differences, main differences, is that people who declare themselves "sex addicts" are in a profound amount of pain as a result of their sexual behaviors. So what may have started out as fun or being used as a way to sort of get out of one's head—or not deal with psychic pain that some people know or don't know they have—quickly turns into the proverbial albatross around their neck. They'll have a high level of preoccupation with getting into the sexual experience, so sex becomes—there's a myopia, there's a shutting down of everything other than getting that experience. It becomes a collapsing of one's life, and people typically report messes—or what they call "unmanageability" in the 12-Step Program—as a result of having this kind of destructive, painful sex. Which is different from someone who likes to have sex, enjoys it, feels sensual, it feels enlivening to them, and what we think of as life-affirming.” Have you worked with people who aren't quite sure whether or not they have a sex addiction? How do you help them? Alexandra: “The term gets thrown around quite a bit now and it doesn’t really fit the bill unless there’s a lot of assessment that’s done appropriately to look at whether there’s a long standing pattern of compulsivity and if this person has in effect created these adaptive strategies that become states over time so if for example you have a child who grows up in a very, very dangerous dysfunctional neglectful household and they start to learn through fantasy whether ti’s comic book fantasy or more commonly we see today kids getting on the internet and looking at internet pornography as early as six and eight years old, and that is there sole way of regulating themselves or feeling good what happens is that the brain starts to form around those patterned behaviors and so what is initially a coping strategy that helps that person manage difficult, lonely, sad, terrorized feelings over time becomes who they are, and they therefore can’t not do what they do. And so that’s the point where is “an addiction.” That these are tenacious neuronal networks that are wired together in the brain because they’ve been firing together for so long.” “So, just because someone has an affair or looks at internet pornography does not make them a sex addict, it requires a lot of scrupulous assessment to see if that’s really true for each person and then some people like that term, some people don’t. I don’t have bias about what people call it I’m more interested in helping people get out of the snarl they’re in and move towards a healthier, more life affirming sexuality.” How do you help sex addicts find a way to heal? Alexandra: “Well, first, I take a very extensive history, because oftentimes these patterns get set not only in childhood, but sometimes really in infancy, depending on the level to which the person is chronically dysregulated, meaning unable to soothe themselves—wherein they're always reaching for something outside of themselves to make themselves feel better.” “Sometimes if somebody recalls or knows that their mother had a very difficult pregnancy or she was anxious or depressed at birth, that tells us that she was likely unable to attune to her infant so that she could bring his or her systems to fruition in the way they are meant to be optimally. So, if she's anxious, her infant's going to be anxious. If she's depressed, the infant will be depressed. These are functions that get set up early, early on—some of which can be changed, some of which cannot down the road.” “Also, if that person suffered any kind of emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse as a young person, or was grossly neglected, then they're going to have a lot of trouble with regulating themselves. When a child is left alone or abused, he or she will find ways of coping. It's sort of a natural adaptive strategy for survival. So, whether it's fantasy or compulsive masturbation or, as I said before, disappearing into Internet pornography or even making up stories in one's own head, all of those things are set up to make the pain or the sadness or the loneliness go away.” “Oftentimes, children like that are set up to become addicts, whether they're drug addicts or alcoholics or gamblers or eating—it's hard to say why people choose which behavior to be compulsive with. But when they do, it's helpful for clients to understand why what they're doing makes a lot of sense. So, rather than feeling shameful or like they're bad or damaged or broken, we look at why it makes good sense that they would be doing what they're doing today because they adapted this a long, long time ago to survive. But, now it's keeping them from having a healthy relationship or a healthy sex life, or being able to even be in a relationship, if that's what they desire. That would be the start of treatment.” Learn More To listen to the Insights at The Edge podcast with Alexandra Katehakis in its entirety, or to read a transcript, visit the Sounds True website. To learn more about sex addiction workshops, inpatient programs and outpatient programs offered at The Meadows call 866-582-9850 or go to www.themeadows.com. Content Source Understanding the Neurobiology of Sex Addiction Alita Care, LLC (“Alita”), a leading national provider of behavioral health services, today announced the acquisition of Bournewood Health Systems (“Bournewood”), a leading New England based provider of acute psychiatric and dual diagnosis (psych / substance abuse) treatment services. Alita serves as the parent holding company for Meadows Behavioral Healthcare (“The Meadows”) and Sunspire Health (“Sunspire”) and is a leading national behavioral health services provider with 16 differentiated programs across the country. The acquisition of Bournewood will further enhance Alita’s treatment capabilities, particularly in acute psychiatric care, while also expanding its comprehensive care model in the Massachusetts market. Based in Brookline, Massachusetts, Bournewood has been in continuous operation since 1884 and serves a wide range of adults and adolescents through acute inpatient, partial hospitalization, and outpatient programs. Bournewood has significant experience treating patients with complex psychiatric and addiction-related diseases and serves a critical need in its local market. Former Massachusetts mental health commissioner Marcia Fowler was named Chief Executive Officer of Bournewood in 2015 and will continue to lead the hospital going forward. Jim Dredge, Chief Executive Officer of Alita, remarked, “We are thrilled to be welcoming Bournewood to the Alita family. Their reputation for clinical excellence has been cultivated over 130 years, and they are well known for providing cutting-edge and compassionate treatment for patients and their families, clinical referral sources, and payors across the country. By adding Bournewood to our family of programs, we will be able to offer a full continuum-of-care to an even wider range of patients.” Bournewood will continue to operate as an independent brand within Alita. Clinical operations will not be impacted by the transaction, and Bournewood will continue to provide the best trauma-informed and person-centered treatment services for adults, adolescents, and their families in the Massachusetts behavioral health field. “We are proud to be joining the Alita team and to be combining our expertise with that of the highly-respected and caring professionals at The Meadows and Sunspire Health,” stated Marcia Fowler, Bournewood’s CEO. “We have a mutual appreciation for the mission-driven cultures of these organizations within Alita and look forward to continuing to expand and improve services for the increasing number of people struggling through mental health and addiction crises.” Alita is owned by Kohlberg & Company, L.L.C., a leading private equity firm specializing in middle-market investing. Covington Associates LLC served as financial advisor and Choate, Hall & Stewart LLP served as legal counsel to Bournewood. Paul, Weiss, Rifkind, Wharton & Garrison LLP and Benesch, Friedlander, Coplan & Aronoff LLP acted as legal counsel and regulatory counsel, respectively, to Alita. Antares Capital, Ares Capital Management, Capital One Healthcare, CIT Healthcare Corporate Finance, and Partners Group provided debt financing to support the transaction. About Alita Care. Alita Care, LLC is a leading national provider of behavioral health services with 16 differentiated treatment programs across the country. As the parent holding company for The Meadows, Sunspire, and Bournewood, Alita operates three independently branded treatment providers with the highest standards of clinical excellence. Headquartered in Phoenix, Arizona, Alita offers a wide range of behavioral health services to those struggling with emotional trauma, drug and alcohol addiction, sex addiction, eating disorders, psychiatric disorders, and other behavioral disorders. Alita Care’s programs are guided by experienced behavioral health experts and thought leaders, who bring the latest neurobehavioral research and proven methodologies to our personalized, multifaceted, and holistic approach to recovery. For more information, please visit www.themeadows.com and www.sunspirehealth.com. About Bournewood Health Systems In continuous operation since 1884, Bournewood Health Systems provides inpatient, partial hospital, and outpatient services. Located on 12 wooded acres in Brookline, MA, Bournewood's treatment programs provide compassionate care for adults and adolescents with mental health and substance use conditions. Bournewood offers 24/7 admissions and treatment by highly trained and dedicated clinicians and professionals. Bournewood's trauma-informed and person-centered approach to care spans a wide array of behavioral health services and special programs for adolescents who need psychiatric and substance misuse clinical care. For more information, please visit www.bournewood.com. About Kohlberg Kohlberg & Company, L.L.C. (“Kohlberg”) is a leading private equity firm headquartered in New York. Since its inception in 1987, Kohlberg has organized eight private equity funds, through which it has raised $7.5 billion of committed equity capital. Over its 30-year history, Kohlberg has completed 70 platform investments and over 150 add-on acquisitions, with an aggregate transaction value in excess of $10 billion. For more information, please visit www.kohlberg.com. Content Source Bournewood Health Systems Is Now Part of the Alita Care Family By Dr. Georgia Fourlas, LCSW, LISAC, CSAT, Clinical Director of Rio Retreat Center Workshops Partners of sex addicts often find themselves feeling alone and isolated. First, the feelings of loneliness come when the addicted partner is acting out. Although the partner of the sex addict is not always able to identify what is wrong, they often sense the addict’s distance and are aware of a shift in the addict or in the relationship. Trying to figure out what is wrong in the relationship can be exhausting. Many times partners end up feeling like they are going crazy. They know something isn’t right, but they are not able to put their finger on it. When the partner tries to confront the addicted person, he or she often denies everything and accuses the partner of acting crazy, imagining things or being overly jealous and controlling. Partners may begin to doubt their own sense of reality. They may recognize that they are attempting to control something, but they are not even sure what that something is! When partners attempt to explain to family and friends what they are experiencing, it is hard to describe. How are they supposed to describe what they do not understand? They begin to feel shame, and they are not even sure what that shame is about. There are other times when the partner knows exactly what is going on. The addict has not admitted it yet and has not considered recovery so the partner hesitates to share anything with their family and friends. They may feel embarrassed and wonder if there is something wrong with them that caused the addicted person to act out. The partner may not want to hear the opinions of family and friends who may give them advice on whether to stay or leave. They may not want to risk sharing their pain with those who may judge their decisions about the relationship. There is also sometimes the fear that others have known all along, and that they view the partner as a fool. This belief can deepen the shame they already feel over the addict’s behaviors. The Pain Doesn’t End When The Addicted Partner Enters Recovery Even after the addicted partner stops acting out and enters recovery, loneliness and isolation can continue. While it is great to have the addict in recovery, it can be frustrating to have the time and energy still focused outside of the home as the addict enters treatment, commits to regular therapy, and begins involvement in 12 step meeting attendance and activities. Partners can become resentful of the time spent away from the family and can feel as though they continue to carry the family and parenting responsibilities alone. All of the time spent covering family and household duties while supporting the addict can lead a partner to further isolation. Another isolating factor can be the reactions of family and friends to the partner when they discover the addict’s behaviors. Well-meaning family and friends can react in ways that are not helpful and can be extremely shaming and disempowering of the partner. Some reactions can lead to the partner feeling guilty for wanting to leave. Those reactions might include statements like…
Other reactions can lead to the partner feeling guilty for wanting to stay. These include reactions such as…
These well-intended messages can be perceived by the partner as shaming and controlling. It can feel like no one understands what the partner is going through. It can begin to feel like there is no help or support available. Partners of Sex Addicts Deserve Help Too It is important that partners know that the addict is not the only one who deserves help. Partners deserve and need help and support too. Loneliness and isolation are not a life sentence that partners of sex addicts must endure. It is okay for partners to insist that their own healing is also a priority. It is important for partners to connect with others who have been through similar situations, who can lend a non-judgmental listening ear and who can offer support regardless of whether the partner decides to stay in the relationship or leave. There are others individuals out there dealing with the same things and even some who have already survived it. There are also a variety of options for partners who are seeking help and healing. Partners can go to inpatient treatment, they can participate in intensive workshops designed specifically for partners, they can enroll in outpatient therapy, and/or participate in the numerous 12 step recovery groups that are just for partners of sex addicts. Rio Retreat Center at The Meadows offers 5-day intensive workshops designed specifically for partners of sex addicts. The Healing Intimate Treason workshop, designed by Dr. Claudia Black, has been very successful in helping partners heal and connect with others who are struggling with the same feelings and issues. To enroll in a workshop, or discuss any of our inpatient and outpatient treatment options, please call our intake department at 866-331-3368. Our experts are happy to answer any questions you may have, and help you find the best options for getting you on the path to healing and happiness. Content Source Partners of Sex Addicts Struggle with Loneliness and Isolation The Use of Psychodrama in Treating Sexual Addiction By Tian Dayton Ph.D., TEP Note: This article originally appeared on The Huffington Post. It is the body’s natural mandate to act; we are beings designed for movement and expression. It’s how we get around the world, communicate our feelings and thoughts, eat, sleep, cry, wail, kiss, dance and sing! We are conceived, carried, born and die all through our bodies. We feel our emotions physically; feeling, in fact, comes first. Before words enter the picture we are engaged in what Stanley Greenspan refers to as a “rich tapestry of gestures” and expressions that communicate our desires and feelings to others. Hopefully, there is a reciprocal response from another caring person so that we feel seen, heard and responded to. This is what lays down the fabric neurologically, emotionally and psychologically that maps our inner world and our capacity for intimacy, communication and connection. These maps function both within and outside of our conscious awareness. They are part of how we learn to attach to another human being. One of the things that happen when we’re deeply distressed or frightened by less than satisfactory interactions with significant others is that we go numb inside. The child who reaches out for comfort and connection and receives instead of warmth and a friendly expression a sort of coldness, disinterest or rejection grows up feeling like a stranger in a strange land. It is as if their needs and desires are somehow invisible or inscrutable to those they depend on; or worse, that there is something wrong with having them at all. The word “trauma” has a big ring to it. But in my own practice what I find is that the larger more visible traumas that everyone agrees are wrong or hurtful can actually be easier to treat than the constant drip, drip, drip of feeling alone in the presence of another. These emotional deficits or these empty spaces in our inner world, become a part of what we learn to expect when we look to fulfill our very human need to be intimate with another person. Sexual Addiction As A Result of How We Learned to Connect So when we talk of sexual addiction we need to go back into the root system of how we learned to connect and/or compensate for a feeling of disconnection— What we do to fill the empty/anxious hole inside of us. Sexual acting out that is unconscious might be seen as both a way to self medicate unhealed, unconscious emotional and psychological pain and as a way of trying to finally get the closeness that we have longed for, for a lifetime. But as with any form of acting out, it keeps pain unconscious. Rather than feel the vulnerability and fear that accompany our desire to connect, to love and be loved, we use the excitation of the chase, the deliciousness of secrecy or the body chemicals themselves that are part of the sexual experience to override feelings of anxiety around intimacy. Content Source The Unconscious and Sexual Acting Out The people often get confused between panic attack and anxiety attack. They both are not similar but do not have extra difference. What is panic attack? Panic attack is when you feel sudden uneasiness. It happens in the when a person feels a choking feeling due to nervousness or fear. It is said to be a feeling or a reaction which happens “out of the blue”, reaches its pick in just matter of minutes and subsides eventually. After few minutes, one even forgets that it happened. It could happen to anybody because of stress, tension or worries. However, some attacks may last longer or may occur in succession, making it difficult to determine when one attack ends and another begins. Below mentioned are the symptoms of panic attack:
For example: If you are passing through a dark alley, you hear footsteps of someone, and your heart rate accelerates, that is when you know it is a panic attack. You feel nervous and pain in chest. What is anxiety attack? Anxiety attack is something that lasts longer than panic attack. A person has disorder of anxiety but cannot have disorder of panic. Anxiety is when a person does not feel anything “out of blue” it is when you know that you are going to feel in a certain kind of way when you know that situation is getting worse. It could be in the form of allergies, nightmares, past bad experiences, failures, etc. Below mentioned are the symptoms of anxiety:
For example: When you are passing through an alley, even if no one is there you constantly become restless that someone is going to attack you even if no one is there can be said as anxiety disorder. The Meadows is an Inpatient Drug Addiction Treatment which provides Treatment for Anxiety Disorder as well as panic attack. For further details contact us. More about:- Learn the Difference Between Panic Attack and Anxiety Disorder |
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